Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
