I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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