you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
