He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
