i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
