It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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