I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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