Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
