Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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