Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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