hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
