Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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