Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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