I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
