Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
