Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize