in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
