i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
