I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
