you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He felt like a one man threesome
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
