i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
