BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
