i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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