your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
