Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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