Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
