my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
