I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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