Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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