I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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