I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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