i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
