You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
