i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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