Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
