i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
