Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
