epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
