I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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