okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't put those talents on a resume
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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