he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
