Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize