Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
