i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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