it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
