I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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