I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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