I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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