I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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