New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
