The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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