I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
