Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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