I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
