Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
