I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
