thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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