I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
