perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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