thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
