that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
