I just cut my nipple shaving
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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